Torn

I'm feeling really torn right now. I feel like everyone in my life thinks I'm overly obsessed with knitting. Apparently it's all I think about, it's all I talk about, it's all I do. Lawrence feels that it has become a harmful addiction, like when I played World of Warcraft all the time - except this is even worse because I can bring my knitting with me anywhere.

I really don't want to become petulant and turn this into a wedge between us but I'm afraid my initial reaction is to do something rather pouty. He's often said that he supports my hobbies and he's happy that I have things that I'm interested in, but I don't know. I feel like it causes him too much trouble with too little for him to gain. For one thing, he doesn't wear knitted things so it's not like he's getting anything out of my knitting. When I'm knitting or on Ravelry, my attention is not fully focused on him, nor is it fully on activities with him. I don't go and sit with him to watch TV. I decline to play video games with him in order to knit or be on the computer. When I go out, I always bring my knitting with me and find ways to get a bit of knitting done. It takes up lots of closet space and random balls of yarn always find ways to place themselves all over the apartment. I feel like he also thinks that if I weren't so obsessed with knitting, I would "take care of myself" more and do things like exercise, style my hair, cook, etc.

He feels that I'm blinded by my feelings because I have a whole Ravelry community at my back, enabling me and telling me to ignore anyone who says anything negative about my knitting. It's like a cult, and being in the middle of it I can't see how harmfully deep into it I am. I can see his point, but I still feel that my crafting is important to me (is this what cultists and fundamentalists feel like when someone challenges their worldview?). I was trying to figure out why and I think it's a result of a natural progression. I grew up with the message drilled into me that I could do anything.

All throughout high school this felt true for the most part. Nothing was so difficult that I couldn't get through it. I started to see some cracks in my junior/senior year when I took classes outside my high school. I took an online Physics class through the John Hopkins program. I was bored out of my mind and could not stay awake through the video lectures - fail. I took a C++ class at the local community college and so much of it felt beyond me. The only reason I got through was because I had a friend who was willing to help me out on my projects. I took a 2nd semester Calculus class. Math was one subject I had always felt confident in because of all the work I had to put into it. I got a C- in that Calculus class. Come college, everything took work and time - things that I put off and ignored until I ended up almost failing out of school.

I found satisfaction in what felt like the few things I could still succeed in. I started crafting. First there was the physical crafting - origami, sewing, knitting, crochet, beading. Then I started playing World of Warcraft and through my boyfriend I was able to learn to be a good player and raid successfully in a great guild. After the guild splintered and my gaming stopped, I picked up the knitting and crochet again. This second time around I had Ravelry and a previously undiscovered online world of crafting. With so much knowledge at my fingertips, I could take on anything. My hobby would also result in tangible, utilitarian objects. This was something gaming would never have. I could be successful at a skill, AND I got a useful bonus prize at the end.

I feel like taking knitting out of my life would be like taking the potential for success out of my life. Watching TV and playing games is great and all, but I can't accomplish anything through those activities and I need to accomplish things with my life. I also don't want to give up doing what I want to do with my life and end up resenting Lawrence over it. I'm sure he doesn't want that either but I don't know how we can reach a compromise.